Little Shit and Tiny Fans


So I began my blog yesterday with a really positive bang, didn’t I?  I realize it was a darker post, but then again, I am going for raw here, not polished.  I have, as I said, been looking at myself boldly, daringly, critically, and I have decided to address those things that I have always thought about addressing, but figured would handle themselves in due course of nature.

Yeah, no.  Nature is on vacation with the economy.

It’s like the victims of Hurricane Katrina, or the mudslides in Southern California back in 1990, or the Northridge Earthquake that destroyed a chunk of Los Angeles, or the Level 5 tornado that obliterated a huge tract of land in Oklahoma, or the . . . yeah, you get the point.  No one is going to save us from random shit, shit that can happen anytime, anywhere.  A fire chief, who teaches classes for EMT, CPR, and CERT programs, and whom I have read about in research, said that no one will be there to save you in time if you are in that dire a need.  Rescue workers can’t even often begin until red tape is processed, and by then, if you are wedged between a car and a wall–the proverbial rock and hard place–you are fucked.  Unless we can save ourselves.  I know.  It sounds so negative.  But if you really think about it, it’s not.  It’s not only realistic, but it’s likely.

I have done a lot of research lately in the slew of thoughts in my mind about fixing my life.  And one of the areas I have come across has to do with health.  Like I listed in my first blog, I have no health insurance.  Duh, right?  I’m an American not working for Corporate America.  That spells screwed, with a capital fuck you.  I have thus wondered in conjunction with the natural disasters and the like, what would happen if NYC ended up in mayhem.  I mean, we already got hit on 9/11.  And who is helping those people?  No one.  Everyone is too busy arguing over real estate values to think about how they are building over a massive grave filled with bone fragments from victims of terror.  Victims who, until they became victims, were people just like me and you.  What if I had been in Lower Manhattan that day?  And if I had lived, what would I have done?  As Matt stands now, nothing.  Why?  Is it because Matt is a ruthless bastard?  Well, some would say yes, but fuck them; they are tools.  lol  But in truth, it is that Matt has no idea what to do.

I was at work today, at job number two, and I saw one of those obligatory CPR posters.  “If someone is choking to death on the tuna tartare, here is how to perform the Heimlich.”  While we take for granted that information, and figure, “Oh, someone else will know what to do,” how many of us actually are saying that, thus lowering the chances of someone being present in such an emergency who actually has a fucking clue?

I thought back, too, to a while ago here in Manhattan when a water main blew up in Grand Central.  Of course, post-9/11, everyone immediately cried the return of terror.  Knowing New Yorkers, they already had out their brass knuckles.  And those were just the grandmas!  But when authorities concluded (or so they told us) that a water main blew up, I thought to myself even then, what if I had been there, been one of the injured, or been lucky to be spared but yet present and able to help had I the knowledge?  Things like that make me think.

All this I have said thus far has made me think.  And while it’s been a series of unending, repetitive, and often mind-numbing thoughts, the truth under them is still as poignant as ever.  But like all human beings, we never fully believe the shit will ever truly hit the fan.  At least not in a way that really affects us.  The tsunami that destroyed a ton of Southeast Asia?  That was way over there.  It’s unfortunate, and we shook our heads.  Some even prayed or sent money to a faceless organization.  But in the end, it was not a real threat to our lives.  So it did not change us.

But me getting hit by a car while walking across the street a couple months ago, well, yes, it made me act.  This blog isn’t the first thing I decided to do in the course of my goals.  Of course, it’s practically one of the first things because I was immediately thrust into chiropractor visits, which cost a good deal.  Please don’t ask me why I ended up paying.  And no, I was crossing the street legally.  I also ended up buying a new bed for $700.  All this together, well, it taxed the wallet.  And when you are only a server making maybe $2,000 a month, that’s a chunk.  It helped that I have been living like a college student because my rent wasn’t in the millions, but still.

So all this to say, what have I decided to do with my sunny, cheerful, glorious revelations?  “I’m going to Disneyland!”  Ok, you saw that dorky comment coming.  But really, I resolved first to get myself into the gym, at least four times a week, and to start eating healthy.  Now, these two goals are everyone’s goals, if only on January 1st of Pick-A-Year.  And I have been no better.  In the past, I have sucked hairy balls at sticking to either of those two goals.  But this time, it was different.  I could tell.  And I ran with it.

I got a membership to the gym up the street from me, and I started checking out diets.  Now, I’m not trying to lose a ton of weight or anything.  But I want healthy eating habits.  I have been successful in getting to the gym four times a week, and eating the Blood Type Diet (BTD), and I have been seeing changes in my body, and feeling healthier.  Yes, I know there are opponents to the BTD out there (your comments are dually noted, in advance).  But I did what worked for me.

Until I realized I couldn’t survive on one job.  And that’s when a little shit hit my tiny fan.

So, I got a second job.  Yes, waiting tables.  Why?  Because I can’t sit at a desk, and modeling is in the crapper for now.  But this has meant for two weeks now that I have about two hours a day between shifts in which to conquer the world.  Two hours!  Why, that’s enough time to . . . do nothing!  And not to mention it, I had no time to go to the gym where I was going.  Nor did I have the energy after working a double, on my feet all day, listening to bitches complain about their gnocchi and figs and iced tea.

SIDENOTE:  Sometimes I wanna just punch you customers in the face for all the shit you bring into my life.  Can’t you just eat lunch or dinner without being a total whore?  Is that possible?  You can’t blame it all on your upbringing.  Truth is, you’re just a nasty bitch who needs to be punched.  Ok, done.

And when I do get home, I have maybe an hour to wind down and fall asleep before I hit the reset button.  So I am trying to figure out how to conquer this battle.

I THINK I know a way.  There is a gym near both jobs, and it has a pool.  Now, I decided, too, that swimming was something I wanted to kick booty at.  I drowned when I was 13.  Yes, drowned; don’t act like I’m mistaken, because I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at all.  Nonetheless, my guardian angel was like, “No, you can’t retire yet.  You have SOME point that we in Heaven are still unclear about, so sit tight down there on Planeto Eartho, mmmk? K.”  El Fin.  Needless to say, sometimes I still have a moment of panic in deeper water.  So, I gotta face that shit.  Plus swimming would be better for my back than running.

OK, so, this gym has a pool.  I figured I could go there on my breaks.  You know, that two-hour-or-so window I have been shifts?  I decided to go to the gym, make use of the time, re-energize myself, conquer a health goal still, and stay somewhat more on track.

But, no, I need two forms of valid ID.  “Well, Matt, you have a passport.  Use that.”  I hear three of you saying that now.  No, four.  Five.   Ok, anyhow, yes, I do, and it was the first thought I had.  However, it isn’t the passport that’s the issue.  The driver’s license you assumed I had is the issue.  I let mine from my last state expire on my birthday.  I have one year to replace it, but I need a social security card to do so.  However, the social security card I have had since I was 13 has somehow up and vanished like a fart in the wind.  So, I have to re-apply for one, you know, WHEN I’M NOT WORKING.  I have to wait for that, then, about two weeks.  And when I get it, then apply for my license.  Then wait another couple weeks.  And after a month or more, I should be able to sign up.

*shakes head*  I wonder if I’ll still have the drive to bother.

In summary, since likely you are wondering how we started with natural disasters and ended up discussing at length the boring details of a drivers license, I realized I need to learn how to save myself.  I feel that means having a body that is in shape, with good stamina and vital signs.  After all, knowing how to end terrorism with gray tape and a stick of chewing gum won’t mean shit if MacGyver is dying from diabetes.  (You either get my humor, or you don’t.)  So to learn to save myself, I need to get a solid gym foundation going.

But I’m already facing hurdles.  *sighs*  I can do this though.  I have to slow it all down and do it step by step.  I have to learn along the way with my other goals that I can choose how I see things.  And in the end, it won’t matter what hurdles I faced because I’ll either be proud of myself for kicking their faces in, or because I’ll have forgotten I faced them because they were after all little shit hitting a very tiny fan.

I have much to ponder.

© Copyright 2009 Matt Lawrence

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~ by Matt Lawrence on September 10, 2009.

2 Responses to “Little Shit and Tiny Fans”

  1. Why does it seem that the little things in life are against us? And nature? And ungrateful people? All any of us need is things to go easy but I know people will take advantage of it all and we end up right in that same spot. fuckt.

    I have never been in a restaurant when someone was choking but I don’t think I’d be paralyzed by “Oh, I hope someone knows what to do!” I usually jump at the chance to help. I have been on the other side of that (choking) hoping someone could help me. And thank God someone did. That was SCARY! Anyway, not saying I am perfect but I have been in the room when someone has passed out and have not known what to do. “Oh, the paramedics have been called? Ok. Does she need some water? I’ll stand right here hoping the people tending to her can do something for here.” :/ That is not the person I ever want to be>> on the sidelines scared, looking for a leader to appear. I SHOULD BE A LEADER, teaching along the way so others don’t freak out and cause more problems.

    Good entry, Matt. It has caused me to think on some things.

  2. digging your blog bro. i had one ages ago, before the term “blog” was conceived (i’m not bragging; i’m just that much of a dork). you’ve inspired to pick it up again, even if nobody cares to listen to anything i say, if only to verbalize my thoughts. i feel that it’s cathartic, if nothing else.

    i can actually relate to a lot of what you’re saying. i am also in my 30s and somewhat misaligned with life’s purpose for me.

    foremost, i would like to commend you on your eloquence. it’s nice to hear an educated, thoughtful voice amongst all the noise these days. where i live in new jersey is disgustingly simple and bland, and my best escape is the city. unfortunately there’s a whole lot of bullshit to contend with there as well, as you undoubtedly know. that said, people here are uncomplicated and fairly easy to figure out, despite their failed efforts to fool or mislead everyone around them.

    i suppose these things can be said of most places, but it’s always easist to judge one’s immediate surroundings first.

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