I’m Truly Scared


I have been pretty violently honest in this blog thus far.  So why quit now, right?

I’m scared.  Normally I am not the fearful type.  It really takes some serious shit to scare me.  But I am scared.  Of what?  This whole idea of the end of the world.  I know I started this blog with the idea of learning how to save myself.  And I have listed countless reasons why I feel the need to learn all these skills.  Especially now that they are discovering terror cells or some shit just in the suberb over from me.  I mean, WTF?!

But the reality of living in a time when the earth might proverbially end, that is to say, when some sort of large-scale catastrophe is more probable than it was fifty years ago, or even fifteen years ago.  Tonight I was thinking about that while talking with my dad.  He’s almost blind and has diabetes, lives in an assisted-living home.  He’s only 63.  My mom doesn’t have any health problems, but she has issues keeping a job.  Put those two situations together, and I wonder where I stand.

I love my parents.  What do I do though?  I mean, I know it’s pre-mature to get all up in arms about this, but it’s something I think about loosely from time to time as I’m sure many people do.  Tonight, as I said, it was especially poignant.  I mean, if something happened, how would I get to my parents, especially since they live in two separate cities, fortunately both in the same state?  Could I even get to them if it came down to that?  So then what should I do?  Move to the state they are in?  Ugh.

My mom and I talked last night and got in a disagreement.  She doesn’t know why I even live in NYC, and thinks I should move someplace else, like Madison, WI, Columbus, OH, or Dallas, TX.  Of course, those cities are all fine and good, but for me, I couldn’t live in any of them.  I’m made for the big city, or foreign countries.  I went to college in a Midwest city in that category of cities, and I never stopped wanting to rip my eyes out.  It was so boring!  No offense to those who live anywhere other than LA, San Francisco, NYC, Washington DC, or Chicago, but I am just not able to do it.  She, of course, doesn’t know what I’m even trying to do here, thinks I’m wasting my life.  I think the only way Mom will be happy is if I’m in a desk job, married, two kids (so she’ll have grandkids), a house, and her living nearby.  I feel bad.  That whole picture = death to me.  Is that bad?  I don’t think she ever expected that I would be that type.  She probably thought my sister would provide that since that life was something my sister sought.  But after Michele died, that future transferred to me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I understand what my mom wants.  She is, after all, a mom.  They all want solid, steady futures for their kids.  Unfortunately, anymore, the idea of solid and steady futures is a thing of the past.

My dad gets me in that area.  He thinks I should do what makes me happy, who cares what the job is, as long as it’s not illegal or harmful, of course.  So if I live here to do that, then so be it.  Especially when I told him about my whole blog and plan to save myself, which includes the financial stuff you have read about.  I told him I make more than I did in Corporate America, with only health insurance being the difference.  Well, and on the reverse, having schedule flexibility.  He thinks I’m doing a good thing because he knows how solid and steady futures don’t exist anymore.  I mean, shit, we all know there will be no social security for my generation when we get to the bite-the-dust age.

So in light of all this, I can’t help but wonder what I should be doing, staying here, moving to them, pursuing my career that I want (which is writing), forgetting my career and getting a desk job near them, or tossing the whole thing in the trash can at the idea that who knows how long we’ll all be here.

I went to the convenience store and en route I thought to myself, what if something happened right now?  While I’m walking somewhere, what if something happened?  I’d so not be ready.  Of course, my gooseberry imagination runs amock, and I start picturing a nuclear sunset.  And lest we forget the alignment of our planet with the sun and the galactic center, which hasn’t happened for 26,000 years, will happen again on, when?  December 21, 2012.  D-Day.  All that together, and my mind is panicking the rest of me, and I realize, even though I’m working to learn how to survive, which is all I can do, I’m still freaked the hell out about the idea of continents ripping apart, gravity lightening up, surface temps burning us or freezing us, essentially sending us to our doom à la Dinosauria.

Am I ever going to be able to head to the hills and live off the land in the event of our pending doom?  And what about my parents?  Do I battle my way through the urban nightmare of post-apocalyptic madness, hitch rides across the country, and hike to their separate homes to scoop them up and whisk them off to Mt. Matt?  And even if I do that, what then?  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

I know, I know.  “Calm down, Matt.”  But you can understand my sudden fears.  All these just in cases.  They are too many to count!

Just in case this whole Mayan calender-2012-multiple prophecy-galactic alignment thing is for real.

Just in case I really will be fucked unless I know how to start a fire with a rock or mend a broken bone or know which plants are/aren’t edible or swim five miles.

Just in case me or my parents will die soon and I may have little more time with them.

Just in case. . . .

© Copyright 2009 Matt Lawrence

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~ by Matt Lawrence on September 21, 2009.

One Response to “I’m Truly Scared”

  1. I do believe small, paranoid-based fears are the very things that cause people to have panic attacks. Am I being a nay-sayer to the 2012 concerns that are rising in these times? Maybe. Do I want to be a nay-sayer and toss the whole issue out the window? No. For all I know Jesus could rapture all us on 12/20/2012 and the next day starts the doom of gloom days. I assure you, I am not making fun of you or downing your desire to be prepared. I should be prepared, too, to the best of my abilities. For me, I know I will fall apart if I think on the what-ifs because all that is mentally heavy stuff to be playing with in the brain matter. Your very description of hitch-hiking across states to get to parents conjures up flashbacks to “Red Dawn” and “The Day After Tomorrow”.

    I am curious as to why Mom feels those cities you listed are much better to live in than NYC. Crazier stuff goes on in those places more often than in NYC, in my opinion. I totally agree with your father though, you have to do what makes you happy. Moms want to keep their babies close but moms can also buy a plane ticket or rent a car if they want to see their grandkids. Us kids have lives to live and they can’t always be tethered to parents. Where is our freedom and set households in that?

    Finally, I know I can say, “Matt, don’t be scared,” but that doesn’t wash away fears and whatnot. That takes will power and constant fielding of the thoughts that come through like bullet trains on the tracks set up in our mind. Perhaps you should combat the fear with positive mental goals. Example, “What if all cars and transportation stop working? Ah, I should get a bike just in case.” If a fear drops in, immediately have an idea to fix it. Write them down, too, to see what you come up with. Might help for later.

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