Who Gives A Fuck?


I’m debating with my best friend right now, in chat, about this blog I have.  She tells me I don’t have the same perspective as other people, so that’s why I should write the blog.  I feel like when I write it, it’s all blah blah blah my life blah blah selfish blah blah words and punctuation.  I’m very critical with my writing, especially in my books and other fictional works.  This blog, not so much.  It’s more my dumping ground of all the remnant thoughts and ponderings and other two-bit shit where I can sort through it all as I pursue my life, and figure out what to do with the odds and ends.

As you’ve likely guessed.

I started the blog with gallant ideas of taking all these classes and learning how to live in the midst of trial and tribulation.  And that is still my goal.  That is still why I truly write.  But nonetheless, I still feel like I’m saying nothing, that I’m talking into the Four Winds, and they are whistling back at me while some tumbleweed rolls by and barks, “Who gives a fuck?”

When I was a model, people were always asking me about my travels and checking out my blogs and pictures and all that jazz.  I enjoyed hearing their thoughts, and sharing my experiences with them.  Now that I’m not modeling (and whether or not I’ll make that permanent is still in the air), and now that I’m blogging about something else I’m interested in (survivalism), I feel like I sound all blabbity blah, like I’m saying nothing, like people are getting nothing out of reading this blog.

So I have been asking myself why that might be.  I think it would help if I had experiences from classes to discuss, or people I met along the journey who shared a particular bit of wisdom, or humorous anecdotes–“Today, in archery class, I accidently shot the teacher in the ass.”  I don’t have that right now.  What am I doing with the Short List?  Not much.  I’m working is about all.  I work doubles everyday from Monday to Saturday.  I have had Sundays off fortunately, but that’s it.  What does that mean for the Short List?  Death.  It means I am getting nothing of it done.  Although, I did get my new Social Security card in the mail, so now I can tackle replacing the drivers license before my year is up.  I know, whoopdiedoo!

What do I do about that?  I don’t want my passions for learning all the skills to fade away in the next double.  I don’t want to lose interest in blogging about the journey.  I want to share what happens, and maybe encourage someone along the way to join in the journey, whether locally or globally, and learn to save him/herself, too.  I think it would be amazing to have people learning and sharing here about the things they experience.

But now that I’m working a ton, how do I accomplish that?  I need the money.  I need to save.  You know my debts.  And they are precursory to the Short List, else I can’t finance the Short List.  But still in the meantime, what do I do?

As such, I sit in a flux, fucked.  And I wonder why I am doing this because who gives a fuck?  I mean, how many people actually think they need to learn to save themselves anyhow?  And of those people, how many are actually going to bother to learn skills?

Where does that leave me tonight as I blog from bed?  It leaves me thinking that I’m a soft mess and that I need to buck up and do this blog for me.  If someone likes it, great.  But this should be my journey that I write for me.  I think I have had the wrong perspective thus far.  People will join in on the journey if they want, just like they will want to learn skills if they want.  I can only control one thing: me.

Who gives a fuck?  Well, I do.  So even if I have nothing amazing to share, I’m posting something, whether or not that day has to do with survivalism.

And, Dad, happy 63rd birthday!

© Copyright 2009 Matt Lawrence

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~ by Matt Lawrence on September 27, 2009.

2 Responses to “Who Gives A Fuck?”

  1. I’d PAY to see you shoot the archery teach in the bum!!

    I think anything that catches your attention you should blog about. Saw another book on survivalism? Blog about it. Watched the first episode of FLASH FOWARD and was blown away by the WTSHTF moment? Blog about it! Talked to a guy about a jujitsu class? Oh yeah, best to blog about it. Anything that inches you forward to accomplishing your goals or even talking about it you should blog about it. I guarantee you, the closer we get to 2012 the more people will be reading your blog looking for any kind of lifeline to help themselves AND protect themselves. When emergencies occur safety, security, communication and transportation reign supreme…and yeah food and water.

    I look forward to you posting more even if it is just to say you had a crap day. At least you’d of survived the day to tell us that this day was a connector day to where you want to get to. I suggest you seek out people in the EMT field to see what they have to say…then blog about it!

  2. Yeah, you ought to blog for yourself. I started a blog too but it’s mostly a personal journal… if someone reads it great. If not, wtf. But the fact that I have it up compels me to be more diligent in maintaining the discipline of writing.

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