Should I Retire?


(The structure of today’s blog is about how my brain felt today, all day, non-stop.)

so i have been thinking today a lot about modeling

and whether or not i should or am meant to continue

very serious contemplation

i know that at the moment, if i jumped back in, i’d have to be re-introduced to agencies

maybe some old ones would take me back

maybe not

my hair’d be short, full-on so

i’d change my body more

i’d be a bit older

i don’t know

i think what i want is for direction either way? retire? continue?

i mean, it’s not that i have been stopped by the world of modeling

agencies took me and i worked and they liked me

here’s why i ask though

i have been thinking lately about how i should check in with my agency here in nyc
see what’s up

if they dropped me or not

why it’s been quiet

what they wanna do

etc.

well, i got a call when i was working this morning from the agency

they wanted to know how i was, what was up in general

basically, same idea

i thought that was interesting

so on break i figured i’d visit; they are nearby

so i did

and my agent tells me he called for two reasons

one was what i just said

and two was to say they have a new scout for asia they have worked with who’s really on the ball, so if i were interested in going still, they would put me out there for asia

but they didn’t know where i stood with things

and they haven’t contacted me for a couple months due to letting me recover with my back

whether or not i believe all that, who knows

guess it doesn’t matter

but i think, if they wanted to drop me and be done with it, why mention this asia option?

i discussed it all with them

and gave my agent plenty of doors to back out through to not keep me on board

but he said if i wanted to keep on, he’d do it, too; it was my choice

i think my other agent is sorta over it all

it’s been difficult sometimes, but what career isn’t?

then again, i never credited him with being much of a fighter

hence why his agency has not grown much in 15 years

so i don’t know

the timing came together at the same moment for us to reach out to each other
but for what?

to ask what was up?

how’s there direction in that?

i guess what i really think about is if i do this, how will i work this one out?

I mean, I need to pay off the car and the bank issue most of all and this you know

I am saving to do just that

I’d also like to invest now, during this downturn in the economy, while stocks are low

you know, buy low, sell high

somehow along the way maybe be a day trader, finally stop working for the man

live on earnings like that

i don’t need much, and i know it’s doable

but i’d need to save a chunk to invest in that, at least $5,000

i’m told $10,000 would be better

yeah, lemme pull that out of my ass

now, what does that mean? do I say no to modeling and keep working at this job i have, which as you saw on my P&L for Matt Lawrence, Inc., has been good money?

that way I can save the money i earn there, pay the bills, invest, and just forget modeling?  but it’s just serving tables

because if i continue modeling, I figure i’d have to wait until the spring, and while I’ll save a chunk before then, i’m not sure how much and if i’ll have enough to live on. I would need to have savings to live on while i go abroad, because who knows if I’ll get work, or how much.

i mean, taking the step to buy a ticket and fly to whereverland is no worry

i can do that easily

plenty of practice

did I tell you i’m taking a two-week vacation to germany and switzerland, practically out of the blue?  haha

but i guess it’d be the fact that i’d have to quit this good job

and come back to no job

and if i earned not enough to bother on, or nothing at all, then i’m coming back sunk in finances

and i feel like at this time in life, i really need to have more saved and invested and just be better off financially

now, of course, that’s part of the appeal with modeling, especially catalog modeling, which is what i would do more of as i age

it pays bank compared to other jobs

Bankasaurus rex

one job i could live on for a month most likely

and when i’m abroad, i can budget like a mutha fucker

you think i did that in september? that was snack food

lol

and that means i could save that money, and invest it, and do with it what i have planned to do with the tip money i have been earning

but you know what i mean. i guess it just is a gamble on whether or not it’d be smart to go, whether or not i’d dip into savings and make nothing back, break even, or profit.

and the only real part that would suck is, i’d lose my job because i’d have to quit.
but then again, am i in nyc, and alive, to be a server?

good money or not?

when does saving and earning money serving tables end, and pressing forward in the career begin?

you know?

when I find that job that pays better than a server’s job WITH benefits? maybe that’s modeling? because in modeling, i’m a freelancer, and i can get benefits through the freelancer’s union

i’m already a member

but what if i don’t model?

what if i decide to continue this path now? realistically?

i’m a server

i earn four to five thousand a month generally

i have no benefits

so i decide to save and invest

when does investing turn into a livable income?

i wanna write

when does writing turn into a livable income?

fact is, it could be years on both, if ever

the gamble is the same

it just looks safer because i’m in my own country

and if i do earn enough and save enough and invest enough and get livable returns, what then?

i’ll still want to travel

so the goal there will remain

so where would i really stand if i retire from modeling now due to these reasons?

so yeah, ALL THAT (waves hands wildly) has been on my mind today, heavily, not casually, and in the sense of deciding now whether or not to retire from modeling, and whatever the answer, that that answer be binding, which is what i want, one way or another

i’m really looking for insight from anyone willing to offer it

i am biased and emotionally attached to this situation

anyone?

P.S. I got my NY state drivers license today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

© Copyright 2009 Matt Lawrence

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~ by Matt Lawrence on October 8, 2009.

5 Responses to “Should I Retire?”

  1. Give it one last shot. Set a deadline. If nothing happens then fine. You did your best. Time to move on. If you score big time, REMEMBER ME! Haha. Seriously, if things start moving in the right direction be flexible and start guiding things in the direction you want to go. Start with your words then your actions. For all you know at an audition you can meet the right person to give you the right information to lead you to the agency that gets you on your way. Just gotta believe it can, will and does happen. Simple.

  2. I think you should go for it that way years later when you look back you don’t have to say what if? Life is full of risks and we have to be bold enough to take them. You are making progress and you just have to take one step at a time. Whatever happens you will have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it a shot. If it is meant to be everything will fall in place but you have to take the first step. So step out in faith. That said, I’m so happy for you, thrilled infact.

  3. I think you should retire, not to say that it wouldn’t be an amazing experience however it shouldn’t be this difficult. If you really wanted to take the opportunity, then you just would.. You wouldn’t be asking should I or shouldn’t I. No regrets.

  4. Hmm … where in Asia? I think you’d have to consider that too … is Asia appealing to you? Depending on what part of Asia you may be considering, the costs of living may actually exceed that of NYC especially if you want to maintain the Western standards of comfort and space. (If you think NYC is crowded? You don’t have “station attendants” on the subways to literally shove you closer to that sweaty guy next to you in the train!) On the other hand, if you are living in one of the lesser developed nations, you may be able to live simply and cheaply, but you’d be in a sweat box fighting off the mosquitos and hookers everyday (although since you are a model, the “cookies” may be free!)

  5. Matt, all roads go forward… But all roads don’t go as far as others. The most important thing is to enjoy the journey while on the ride! Whenever the ride stops, remember it, grow from it, be blessed… then move on to the next one. I don’t think retiring is needed; however, focusing on your other calling as a writer (among others) appears to be a natural transition for you… embrace it and excel. ps: stability is good – enjoy life.

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