Narnia Will Kill Me

I thought about Narnia tonight. I did. Maybe I should not have, but I did. What can I say? I was not born of this world. I was born of somewhere far off where life is nothing like here, where life is not demystified, where magic still whispers from the back of wardrobes, where I still ride the backs of two sea turtles just like the protagonist in the first story ever read to me.

I am a Narnian.

And it hurts me sometimes that I can’t be there. I think of Peter and Susan when they were banished. Then of Edmund and Lucy. I think I’d rather kill myself than hear Aslan say, “You can never come back.” Why? I’ll tell you why. This world thinks we have to grow up. It has constructed this mindset that in order to get anywhere, one must grow up. But I don’t think I was meant to. I don’t think I was meant to be more than a kid in an aging body. I’ll be on my deathbed fully expecting Aslan to take me to Narnia, and THAT, my dear friends, is what destroys me, what reduces me to nothing. Aslan will never come. He isn’t real. But I cannot shake the possibility that he COULD be, and that gives me so much hope that I cannot contain it all. I burst apart with that hope. But it is also completely devastating because if it isn’t, like my logic screams at me, then I’m screwed because once again I have bet on the wrong horse.

But let’s face it. Those of you who know me, you know I bet on the wrong horse. It’s all i know how to do. You know me, that I bet on Aslan being real, on Narnia being real, on my hopes existing for a reason. But I know I’m a fool. And I know my life will end some odd years down the road with me at age 997 and lying there dying finally and still hoping Aslan comes along. But he won’t, and I will have wasted my one precious life on this fantasy, when maybe my dead sister would have done more with my life had she been granted the choice.

I’m a fool. I was born a fool. And I can’t undo that.

I wish I could.

© Copyright 2009 Matt Lawrence


~ by Matt Lawrence on January 25, 2010.

3 Responses to “Narnia Will Kill Me”

  1. Don’t know what to tell ya. Maybe Heaven is like Narnia just a billions times better. Maybe when the earth is restored to how she once was you can teleport ANYWHERE and absorb it all over and over again because the earth will be the awesomeness you seek.

  2. ((( : I feel the same way Matt, you know! BTW love your blog!

    • Thanks, man! I don’t get around to posting here much lately, but I’m glad you enjoy what I have posted!

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